{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
You Might Also Like
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[loses house key, starts a new life]
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”