Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
You Might Also Like
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Don’t forget to tip your server
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.