[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I bet
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”