[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me: