[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.