(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.