[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.