[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*