@KeithAshers

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

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@iscoff

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

@Reverend_Scott

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

@noog

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@DorsaAmir

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

@SonOfCha

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.