Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Did I do this right
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me