Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before