Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad