Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one


And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so


Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?



Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea


[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.


Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.


me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*


6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?