@E_lok44

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

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@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@jenlaw_11

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

@XplodingUnicorn

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

@joe_binkley

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

@gf3

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?