Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory