beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.