[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks