BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Not all heroes wear capes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.