been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I don’t know what to do
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
then why did i get this email