Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me