Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Meow
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.