Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
You Might Also Like
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
fourth time’s the charm
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.