been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”