been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
mmm onion ringos
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better