Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Sheep
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know