Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
#Thanos #MondayMood
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
The symmetry is uncanny.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.