Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
They did not think through this water fountain
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.