Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.


[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome


you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast


Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.


Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.


I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday


Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.


Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention


Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..