@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

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@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

@murrman5

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

@murrman5

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

@CerebralWreck

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

@xerxesbigboy

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

@mzyvonne7

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@STOTLE

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

@iGreenGod

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..