Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
What if the weather talks about us?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo