@MKupperman An odd boast
@WilliamAder Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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@MKupperman 
@NoBadHairDays2 A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
@murrman5 [surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
@murrman5 “911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
@CerebralWreck Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
@xerxesbigboy Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
@mzyvonne7 I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
@dorsalstream Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
@STOTLE Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
@iGreenGod Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..