been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome