Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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Not all heroes wear capes…
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes