Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.