Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”