been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
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japanese corn
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?