Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
when mom throws a party…