me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.