Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes