Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.