Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
wtf is an acronym
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.