Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
You Might Also Like
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.