*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Every time.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?