Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”