Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
🙋♀️
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.