Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Poetry is my passion
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by