Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
This kid is a star!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.