Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.