Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me buying fruit and veg
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken