Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Take my advice, I’m not using it.