Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we鈥檙e regular people, we need Quarter Foods
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk鈥檚 next girlfriend.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.