before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.