Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car