Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
😂 amazing answer
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves