Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
gm
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]