Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Become a minion. Get that bread.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.