Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Fidel Castro was alive?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.