Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.