before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.